Intolerable behavior?

[Jill Monroe]

My supposed best friend of nearly 20 years now....this woman and I have been through the fire and the flood together. we went to grade school and highschool together and while i was in college...i saw her through some really trying times but we always remained close. I love her like a sister and when her son was born...she annointed me his "aunt" and his god mother.

However, the last two years...have been rather strained between us. She has always had somewhat questionable choice in "friends" since we departed highschool and she moved out of her parent's house...but now, with the arrival of this devil my car, skanky, rogue character named Kim...My "best friend's" sense of judgement and responsibility have PLUMMETED to new lows. She has done things and allowed things to occurr in her house...around her son (who is now five and also autistic) that to me and anyone that i have shared this with would find INTOLERABLE.

I am now faced with something that may cause the floor to drop out of this friendship. Kim has this boyfriend who is so balatantly racist...(i observed him wearing "Aryan Nation" tee shirts, he proudly displays the confederate flag at his house, etc) but NOW.....this past week, my "best friend" had major surgery and she sent her son to stay with Kim and this jerk for the week. While he was staying there, Kim's boyfriend was teaching the boy to say things like "WHITE POWER"....and when his mother found out about this, she did NOTHING, said NOTHING...and now her son is saying this and OTHER things. He said something around me this weekend and i scolded him immediately for it...and both Kim and his mother got upset with ME..so i confronted both of them about it and told them how FUCKED UP it is that: A) his mother would allow him to stay at the house of a racist knowing how many black people are very much apart of her life and that her "best friend" was once engaged to a black man that SHE wanted to be her son's god father because she thought he was "such a good man". and B) she is basically being complicit to this and allowing KIM to have such a degenerative influence on her son.

Now, after about an hour of this confrontation...i told her that this changes EVERYTHING between us...and that I had been feeling a strain for the last two years but based on the strength of everything we'd been through that i was trying to be lenient and understand and that MAYBE this was not as bad as i thought it was...but it IS. She now wants to YANK my title as "god mother" away from me for correcting her son and annoint KIM the godmother...this woman has NO financial means to speak of and lives with a RACIST who drinks and smokes...what kind of envrionment is that to send a child to? In times past..when Trevor's mother needed help, she came to me..i have my own home, stronger financial status than ANY of her other friends, access to doctors in my family that have helped her more than once with her son's medical needs and many other things that i have GLADLY assisted her with. it was my duty as her son's god mother and HER best friend of nearly 20 years!

This whole situation just opens up a whole new area for me about my supposed "best friend" as i look back on HER parents and how racist they seemed to be...but of course as they were "educated" and successfull...they did a good job of HIDING it, where as Kim's boyfriend is totally obvious with it.

I am ready to turn my back on her PERMANENTLY and just ice her out because if I have anything to say about it...i will NOT stay silent about it...and that is going to cause more problems between us.

Am i WRONG for being upset about this or contemplating ending my relationship with her? I realize that he isnt my son...but i HAVE had alot of involvment in his life at various times and i was in his mother's life LONG before these idiots that she chooses to allow such space to now.

[DonDaddyD]

I have to ask what is it that you want your friend to do? Obviously I know the answer your thread makes it clear but have you asked yourself if your firend can do that?

In your shoes I think I'd have thrown them out especially after they defended the childs views. They know your past, they know your views and they were in your house. You should have kicked them out instantly.

Where is the respect Farrah? They were in your house and didn't see any harm in disrespecting you or your feelings? I don't know what you should do with your friend all I can tell you is what I would do, but it's your friend, your friendship and your decision. Ultimately you are the one who values her as she should you, so the decision is yours. Ask yourself though do you think the friendship is worth it? Do you think that you would want to be friends with someone who treated you that way?

[Foxfire]

Girl, as close as I am to you, I know you think with your heart. And it shows from everything you've done for your best friend like paying for the doctor visits, allowing her inside your home. All of these examples are fine and amazing to see.

What most best friends fail to see though is that they are bonded together as sister's or brother's. And with you and your best friend, you have EVERY right to be protective, loving, and suspicious of a bad influence. However, I will WARN you....even your best friend can and will side with her boyfriend, as miserable and negative as he may be.

I myself went through this with an ex best friend of mine. She and I were very close, going to school and all. I stood up for her when my peers labeled her a slut for her provocative attire. She even went so much as to surprise me with an 18th birthday party. But she began to date this guy who was troublesome. I side stepped my feelings on the matter until I had to tell her. I had been upset with her because we would make plans and at the last second she would flop on me! We were supposed to go see xXx with Vin Diesel but she had to go to the gym. I remember I was out at a restaurant with my mother, when Victoria called me. I was very upset, I knew she wasn't going to Gold's gym. I myself had a membership there and I knew the hours. They closed earlier on Sundays, I knew she was going out with her boyfriend. OR when she wanted to spend time together it was usually very late and on weekends when I worked. I did not want to go out after working a ten hour day, I was exhausted. I stopped calling her and I let the friendship fade. I had confronted her on it, asking her problem and she said nothing. I knew it wasn't worth it anymore and it pained me to end the friendship but I had to, for my own sanity and my happiness.

I also had ANOTHER best friend named Lisa, who lived right down the road from me. She and I went to the same school. We were close as well when she began to date her punk ass boyfriend Chris. He wasn't too bad but when she got kicked out of the house by her parents is when I was upset. She was turning into a rebellious teenager and I understand most of them go through it. But she had a scholarship into some fabulous colleges in NY. The breaking point for me was she would call me up crying how she and Chris fought and how she's hurt. I of course cannot turn down my friends who are crying, its a weakness for me. The problem here was, she would ONLY call when she was upset. She never called me to see how I was doing or how my life was. One night when she and I went biking, I found out she used me as an excuse to cover up to her parents she was seeing Chris. When we biked onto the grasslands, I saw Chris. I thought okay, whatever they'll just spend a few minutes. It turned out to be an hour and I was pissed off! I biked home and I was furious, I couldn't find her anywhere. Turns out they were having sex in his car which was hidden by some trees.

I biked back to the trail and I found her saying good -- bye and she took one look at me and froze. I've been told I have such a "scary" look about me that frightens people, LOL, damn fucking right! Anyway I gave her the silent treatment when we biked back home. She kept saying she was "sorry" and all this crap. But by then, I had it and I was through. I'm very strict in my friendships with my peers, they only get three strikes and if they fuck up three times, its bye bye. Lisa was crying when we were biking and she begged me to talk to her. When I got into my basement, putting my mountain bike away I gave it to her. I bitched her out how I was not some toy she could use whenever she wanted when her boyfriend wasn't around or a cover up story. I threw her out of my house and told her it was over.

I don't regret it and later on I found out from friends she was with a different guy but I didn't care. I didn't want to hear it. I warned her and she refused to listen.

Farrah, I've had so many friends who have entered in and out of my life. I've been through what your going through. Its a tough decision but its not wrong to ponder the idea of ending the friendship. The man your best friend is with is clouding her judgment and integrity. If she would rather listen to someone who hasn't been in her life as you have, then she's not worth saving the friendship. I could understand if she disagreed with her but also listened that wouldn't be so bad. Because then you could discuss the matter mow until she agreed with you. But to raise her son in that matter is disrespectful to African Americans and plenty other social classes. I applaud you for standing up to her and her awful boyfriend.

But if you cannot get through to her, my advice is to end it. As painful as it is, in the end it will be worth it. You'll always have the memories and less stress. I'm sure I know that sounds cold hearted but repeatedly going through it, I got sick of it. She's not seeing clearly especially the way she's raising her son.

I'm always here for you....even though we've shared our differences I don't think anything can break our bond. Good luck hon.